It all started with this lump in the back of my throat. I didn’t know at the time how toxic you would become. I didn’t know all the pain you would put me through, all the fun events in my life I would miss. The saddest part of all is I genuinely thought that if I kept my distance from other people, you would stay calm. This whole time I was wrong.
The worst part of all is I never knew when you were going to blow up on me. I had to hold on to you because I thought, “No, later, when the time is right I’ll let you go.” There never is good timing with things like this. I will always find an excuse to hold it off, that’s why I have to do it now.
You would wake me up in the middle of the night. I wouldn’t be able to talk or eat or sleep. Sometimes I found myself struggling to breath. My friends constantly had to hear me complain about you. One time my mom had to pick me up from school and take me to the hospital because you upset me so much.
It was the hospital visit that I thought we would get through our differences. I thought you would come to your senses and finally settle down. For a little you did calm down. But then you slowly became angry with me again. The toxic cycle started over.
Do you even know what you put me through? I was on so many drugs because of you. I thought they would help me deal with the pain. And they did. But it was only temporary help.
You would just hang out, waiting for the worst time to attack. I missed the Lumineers concert because of you. I almost missed spring break. I missed most of Saint Patrick’s Day weekend … all because of you.
People are warning me, “A breakup like this, it’s no walk in the park.” I’m willing to take the pain though. It can’t be any worse than what you have already caused me.
Or maybe it can be? I have been with you my whole life. You have been there for everything, literally everything. I don’t know how it will play out but I know it has to be done to save me from more suffering in the future.
There’s no easy remedy to heal the wounds from any breakup but I guess I’ll start with a tub of ice cream.